I recently turned 25- a quarter century- an intimidating age, an age you dream of as a child, but never actually think you will reach.  25, I once thought, was old- true adulthood. Life full of responsibilities, expectations, obstacles, rewards, timelines.  A decade ago I was in high school, 15 years-old, being forced to learn, but I was convinced that what I needed to learn was out in the world.  I remember an overlying feeling that I was already beyond high school. What value was there for me?  And as I ventured into the world, I knew that things could get hard, life could get complicated, and I was ready.

The last decade has brought me far more joy than I ever could have imagined as a younger me, and also more sadness.  More confusion and more clarity.  More chaos and still more order.  As I enter my 25^th year, my world makes more sense than ever.  I have accepted that sometimes, there are no answers. There is more coincidence than fate, and yet more meaning and light within us, than we can comprehend.

People are intrinsically good, but often troubled- plagued by remnants of the past, paralyzed by thoughts of the future, disconnected from their true selves- the beings that exist NOW, not then.   The world is ours for creating; it is a blank canvas with endless painting supplies to colour our lives over and over again.  Life is full of potential and possibility.  We are bounded only by the limitations that we place upon our selves, or allow others to place upon us.  Anything, everything is achievable.

I have been smiling from deep within my heart lately.  It comes from a place within me that sees only good, that feels only purity.   I am filled with a love that is so complete I feel I could die today.  We don’t need to be saved, I’ve learned, we just need to be freed.  Escape from our cages, step out from behind our masks, shed unnecessary layers, be who we are- wholly and completely.

Another year, another summer in Wanaka, New Zealand.  This place is starting to feel more like home, as it is my fourth trip down here.  And I like how that feels.  I remember feeling overwhelmingly excited the first year I came down.  I had seven weeks to ski and party.  The latter seemed to be the dominating theme that year.  Last year, I came down to Wanaka on two separate occasions. The first trip was in August- I came down as a coach for the US Junior Worlds team.  It was an opportunity to give back to the next generation of athletes that would be propelling our sport forward.  And the second trip was a spring training camp up at Cardrona- slush pipe, airbag, good times.  A selfish trip I suppose- laid back, a few hours of skiing and then some hiking, dining, and lounging in the afternoon.

But now, there is no sense of overwhelming excitement, just anticipation for what I know will be another unique experience in New Zealand.  It may sound bad, but I say it in a good way, a way that feels as if I’m not leaving home, but going to a different home thousands of miles across an ocean.  I know what to expect- amazing coffee (flat whites, anyone?), expensive gasoline, groceries and lodging, but brilliant views, breathtaking mountains, crisp alpine lakes, good wine, driving on the wrong side of the road, fickle weather that grounds your skiing, but then some gorgeous bluebird days that are so productive, you don’t care that you just sat on the couch for the last week awaiting this day’s arrival.

And that is where I find myself now.  My first 3 days here were gorgeous- I immediately felt comfortable back on my skis from my long hiatus from skiing since March.  I’ve already done some things that I’ve never done on skis before, 720 to switch 3, but yesterday and today, the weather came in.  Conveniently, of course, just as the New Zealand Winter Games kicked off, the snow started to fall (which is appreciated and needed) but the winds picked up as well.  50 km/hr winds are a bit too quickly for us to soar into the air without being blown away.  But now, I have other things to do- I feel as if I’m home, and on days where I can’t ski I can go to the gym, do yoga, post a blog and feel very content on being in New Zealand.  I am not going stir-crazy as I may have gone a few years ago.

And as much as I feel like this place has become a home away from home, there is still an ethereal sense that I am in a dream world- so far removed from what is happening at home.  My mind is free to reflect, my body has room to relax, my soul has space to expand.  And as the world continues to revolve, my world seems to be standing still. Just the pace I need right now.

The last few months have been somewhat of a rollercoaster for me.  I suppose in reality, life is always a rollercoaster- emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually.  It seems to be part of human nature to experience extremes.  In fact, it is these extremes that give us balance and sanity day to day.  Without their existence we wouldn’t know what “good” feels like.  We wouldn’t know what it means to “relax,” to “have fun.”

Season-ending injuries are common place in the world of professional athletes.  (Especially those of us who have selected to pursue extreme sports.)  When my season ended in mid-March I did my best to take it in stride.  In retrospect, I was so overwhelmed by emotions from the entire season that another setback just couldn’t draw blood.  I barely flinched.  I barely processed that I was done for the year.  I quickly just moved on.  I went home to Connecticut to see my mom and dad, saw my grandfather for his 90th birthday (little did I know it would be the last time I’d see him), I went to the gym, cleaned my house, did some yard work, and slept in- a lot.

During this down time that I’ve had, it dawned on me that perhaps I should have taken a break earlier in the season.  Tried to “relax” more.  Tried to ski for “fun.”  But in season I was just focused on my next goal- performing my best and winning whatever contest was next in line.  And strangely, my mind set hasn’t changed much from mid-winter.  I still seem to be focused on healing as quickly as possible, being ready to ski during the summer, setting goals for my training (in the gym, at the water ramps and on snow), wanting to push myself, not wanting to take a break, not welcoming the rest, not inviting the down time.  On several occasions people ask what I like to do for fun, to relax.  I like to mountain bike. I like to go to the gym, I like to hike, to climb, to swim, to camp, to play soccer, lacrosse… on and on.  But to sit still?  Is that relaxing?  For me relaxation is more about a mental space than a physical one.  My brain needs to feel satisfied and happy and all of those physical activities bring me just that.  But am I getting the proper physical rest and recovery that I need?  Or am I feeding this vicious cylce of over training that I have found myself in, time and again.

I suppose I don’t know.  On this one, I need to follow my gut.  Being happy is as rejuvenating as anything can be.  So if there is a smile on my face throughout the day then I think I’m doing okay.  I need to stay focused on what is here in front of me.  On what I am doing today, right now, and fully welcome it.  These are the steps that are necessary in getting me where I am ultimately trying to go.  If I look too far ahead right now, I can make mistakes.  I can re-injure my shoulder or hurt another part of my body.  That is not what I want…

We are all on a journey of our own.  Trying to make sense of all of this stuff that we call “life.”  To find purpose and meaning in every day.  I think the answer lies in happiness.  Happiness for yourself and happiness shared with others.  So as the roller coaster ride drops down at a sickening pace, just have faith that eventually things will rise and ultimately level out on even ground.  I don’t have answers, just experiences.  Thanks for reading.

xo
Jen

I have a 5 year old german wirehaired pointer/hound mix.  He weighs about 75 lbs and is as sleek as a bullet train.  He’s about as fast as a bullet train as well.  In fact, watching him run brings me more joy than almost anything else I do (skiing and some other unmentionables might top the list).  Though it is a challenge to have a dog as energetic and intelligent as Milo it is also a wonderful opportunity to learn from one of God’s most precious creatures.  Here are 10 things that I’ve learned from Milo over the years.

8. Sleep is good for your body and soul. We are so used to just sleeping 8 hours at night, but sometimes that is not enough.  When we run ourselves ragged we need more opportunity to sleep.  If someday you just can’t get yourself out of bed, then stay there.  Don’t feel bad about it.  Your body needs rest and recovery as much as it needs to be pushed to the limits.  Milo runs himself into the ground, but sleeps and sleeps and sleeps once he’s home.

7. Do what you want, not what others want you to do.  Though as a dog owner, I should resent such a statement, I really admire Milo for this behavior at times.  Why shouldn’t he eat the chicken off the counter that smells so good at 7 pm when he’s hungry from all the adventuring from the day? It’s dinner right? Milo knows that he shouldn’t eat it, but he wants to, and who can blame him?  I’m not saying we should go on a tirade and break the law left and right… I think what I’m getting at is that we often do what pleases others, but forget about what pleases ourselves.  So, the next time you just feel like having a piece of chocolate after dinner, do it, or if you’d rather get a pedicure than drive your best friend’s mom to the airport, don’t feel bad.  YOUR NEEDS MATTER TOO!

6. Sleeping in the sun feels really nice.  Every day, Milo will lay in the sun patch that comes through our living room window.  He’ll just stretch out and soak it all in.   Sun is good for us! It gives us strong bones, boosts our immune system and reduces our stress.  So let’s just lay in the sun! Soak it all in… Let its warmth permeate our body and rejuvenate our souls! (Just wear your sunscreen).

5. Sometimes it’s fun to just break stuff for the fun of breaking stuff.  I’ve yet to find a toy that Milo cannot destroy.  In fact, I think toys are fun for Milo because they can be destroyed.  Sure, why not?  Breaking things makes you feel strong, powerful and confident.  Go to the dollar store.  Buy some cheap plates.  Smash them on the ground. Sweep up the remains and throw them away.  How good did that feel? (Just make sure no animals or children are in the way).

4. Sometimes you just need to let it all out!  Every now and again (bordering on more nows than thens) Milo just barks like a madman.  He barks so loud and gets so riled up that you’d think the world was coming to an end.  Our neighbors probably think that we’ve had few small earthquakes in Salt Lake lately because of his powerful, house shaking bark.  But often, when he’s done with his rant he seems very relaxed and satisfied.  We are always so concerned about being politically correct that we never really say what’s on our mind in a satisfying way.  Unfortunately that’s for good reason most of the time.  But allow yourself some time whether it be alone or with a non-judgmental 3rd party to just VENT! Let it all out. Scream, yell, shout, what ever you need to do.  I imagine it will feel really good and you’ll probably be able to carry on quite well afterward.

3. Playing with others is a great learning opportunity.  I have seen my dog play with so many animals over the years and I think that it has made him a better athlete.  Honestly, watching Milo observe what other animals do is an amazing experience.  You can see his brain working.  If that squirrel can climb the tree, so can I! Though he hasn’t successfully climbed a tree yet, he did manage to make it to the top of Mt. Olympus- the VERY TOP!  (For those of you that haven’t hiked Mt. Olympus, the last 200 vertical feet is sheer boulder scrambling…my dog climbed up it.) So, what do I take from that? Well, simple, though sometimes it’s easy to be threatened by others’ abilities, we need to be inspired by them.  Say to ourselves, if they can do it, SO CAN I!

2. Love unconditionally. Milo doesn’t think about what I look like physically, he doesn’t care how I smell, or how cranky I’ve been lately.  He loves me unconditionally.  He is not afraid to just give in to that feeling of love wholly and completely.  We are often afraid of such a commitment, but what a beautiful thing.

1.  Sometimes you need to stop to smell the roses.  Milo loves to run and play as much as I do, but when we are out he takes everything in.  He sniffs every inch of land that he can get to and takes in his surroundings in all ways possible.  We get so used to using certain senses that we forget how full of an experience we can have if we open ourselves up a bit.  The next time you are on a beautiful hike stop, dig in the dirt, take in the beauty, SMELL THE ROSES… these are opportunities to feel so alive!

MIlo in the snow!

It has been almost 4 weeks since I crashed in Tignes, France for European X-Games, bringing an early end to my 2010-2011 season.  I think I have been avoiding this post for quite sometime, not sure how to convey my thoughts and feelings without sounding like a cry baby or being overly redundant.  None-the-less, this blog is for you the readers, but also for me, to clear my mind.  Avoiding this post isn’t allowing me to move on.  Apparently now, I’m ready.

Despite a “rough” beginning to my season, contest results were good but not great (though my skiing was feeling better than ever), I was keeping my head up.  A rejuvenating trip to Japan seemed like doctor’s orders and indeed provided me with a much needed perspective shift.  My father had crossed his 100 day mark from his stem-cell transplant in November and was recovering well at home with my mom.  My body was feeling good, and I had been able to spend time with my boyfriend doing what we do best: skiing.  The snow conditions worked out miraculously well in Japan and we left the country days before the massive earthquake that sent the whole country into devastation.  I was counting my blessings.  I had realized that I needed to ski for myself, to focus on my strengths and forget about what others’ expectations of me were.  I was ready to return to the competition circuit for one final round, to end 2010-2011 on a positive note; and more than anything to have fun.

I arrived in Tignes full of hope and optimism, excited to be at an event that feels like summer camp.  The majority of the athletes and industry guests stay in the same hotel, eat in the same restaurant, and lounge at the same bar, not to mention ski the same course!  Day in and day out we are with our friends, reminded that we are all here to push the limits, push ourselves and push each other.  The environment is phenomenal and much less stressful than Aspen X-Games.  The pipe in Tignes was amazing- one of the best I’ve skied all year.  I was confident my run would come together and didn’t feel that I needed to rush anything.  The first night of training I kept things mellow, I focused on grabbing my alley-oop 5 and keeping my amplitude up from top to bottom.  The next night I was ready to dial things in.

After a few warm-up runs I went to do my first 900 of the trip.  I over-rotated and ended up doing a 10.  Well, I got that demon off my back. When I went back up to do another 900, I knew I needed to set less.  Lift into the trick and set the rotation less hard.  Somehow I lifted (I went about 10-12′ out) but missed my pop.  I hit the deck and then cartwheeled into the flat bottom.  I can remember seeing the ground coming towards me as I was coming out of the cartwheel, but there was no time to react or adjust.  I tried to stretch to slow down my flipping and to attempt to land on my feet, but the best I could do was slam down on my side.  I hit my head, despite having my right arm up to protect it.  I knocked myself out, dislocated my shoulder, sprained my MCL and sprained my ankle.  Laying on the ground, in the middle of the pipe, I remember briefly trying to sit up, but failing, trying to move my right arm, but to no avail. I was scared.  I kept reminding myself of the pain that my father has had to endure- the discomfort, the blind faith that he needed to keep himself going.  So I found that blind faith myself.  I knew there were people coming to help me and they would move as quickly as they could.  There was no need to panic, whatever pain I was experiencing was only temporary.  But judging by the number of people that sped down to me, I knew my crash was bad, and I was uncertain at that point how bad the damage was.  (Click here to watch the crash: Euro-X Crash 2011)

After about an hour I arrived to a small hospital in Tignes.  I know that I went in an ambulance and I remember that Elana was in the cab while I rode in the back, but I have no visual memories of it.  I think my eyes were closed.  As I was being wheeled into the hospital, the ceiling began to feel like the floor and I actually laughed to myself knowing that it couldn’t be- but the morphine was having it’s way with me.  After the first X-Ray they could see no threatening fractures.  The nurse pointed to a blanket on the ground and had me lay down.  The doctor came over and with encouragement from the nursing staff to “relax” the doctor managed to get my shoulder back in place with great ease.  It was the best feeling in the world.  I thanked him profusely.

Typically after a season ender like this, I cry, generally not from physical pain, but from frustration and disappointment.  But for some reason this time, I didn’t cry much.  I think I was in shock, disbelief, that after all of my refocusing, this was how my season was going to end.  But such is life.  We are given obstacles to overcome, and in doing so we grow as human beings. There are always lessons to be learned from these situations.  You always gain insight into another piece of yourself.  I don’t know what those lessons are yet, I don’t know what insights I’ll gain, but I have faith. I have to have faith, that this happened purely to make me stronger.

Perhaps this is an opportunity to do exactly what it said in my horoscope (see pics below). “Don’t look at the negatives in your life- look at what’s right. Be optimistic in your career but stay within sight of reality. When you push the envelope it can leave you stressed and exhausted.”  Maybe this will be the time that I actually learn the hardest lesson of them all- knowing when to take a break, knowing when I’ve had too much, and resting before it’s too late.  Life is short and we often rush through it.  We push past our accomplishments, cross them off the “to-do-list”, and move on to the next bigger and better thing.  Savor what’s good, be grateful for what’s right.  Always look ahead, but don’t forget where you came from.  Just because what you’ve accomplished is done, doesn’t mean that what you’ve accomplished is gone.

P.S- My shoulder, knee, ankle and head (physically and mentally) are all doing much better.  I only ended up with a slight tear to the gleno-humeral ligament in my shoulder, which can heal without surgery.  I’ve been on the slow train with rehab, but hopefully at the 4 week mark from the accident (this Tuesday) I’ll be able to take things up a notch.  Sadly, there will be no more skiing for me this winter, but I am looking forward to skiing this summer, having fun on some slush jumps, skiing for me, savoring every moment, and coming back next winter with vengeance.